AUCTIONEER: Who will start me at £100?

£100 for a start they want.

£100 I'm bid.

£100 I'm bid.

Who will give me £110?

Who will make it £110?

I'm looking for £110.

£110.

£110 I'm bid.

Who will make it £120?

Come on, gentlemen.

Who will make it £120?

£120 I'm bid.

It's with you, madam.

At £120.

Do I hear £150?

£150 anywhere?

Come on, gentlemen, that's a genuine antique.

They don't come up every day.

£150.

£150 I'm bid.

Come on, gentlemen, I'm looking for £350.

£350 anywhere?

Don't lose it, madam.

Don't lose it for another £50.

£350 anywhere?

£350 I'm bid.

At £350.

Who'll make it £400?

I'm looking for £400.

Any more?

At £350.

Are you all done?

At £350.

At £350.

[ Gavel bangs ] Lovejoy.

[ Music playing ] ♪ You better run ♪ ♪ You better hide ♪ ♪ You better lock your house ♪ ♪ When his fingers do the walkin' ♪ ♪ In the middle of the night ♪ [ Horn honks ] ♪ Where there's people stalkin' ♪ ♪ Baby, let me tell you ♪ ♪ Nothin' comes out right ♪ ♪ Best be fleet ♪ ♪ Upon your feet ♪ [ Horn honking ] ♪ In the original plan ♪ ♪ For half a boy and half a man ♪ MAN: Now, there are many of you standing here who probably know me.

Some people... ...for the last 18 years.

But before that, I was born here.

My family lived here for the last 500 -- more than 500 years.

-During that time... -[ Horn honking ] [ Doorbells jingle ] DANDY JACK: Hello, Lovejoy.

Fancy the jelly glass, do you?

MAN: ...most interesting, most beautiful, oldest buildings in the village.

DANDY JACK: Lovejoy?

Lovejoy?

Hello, Lovejoy.

How are you?

Do you want breakfast, Lovejoy?

Please, Woody.

A cup of Earl Grey, perhaps.

You know what that is, don't you, Mr. Lovejoy?

Well, I can see it's not a singing telegram.

10,000?

£10,000?

Are you people a banana short of a bunch or something?

I haven't got that kind of money.

Mr. Lovejoy, the Inland Revenue has not had a penny out of you for the past three years.

Well, that's only just over £3,000 a year.

Oh, only £3,000 a year?

Is that all?

Oh, you had me worried for a minute.

How do you propose to pay it?

Pay it?

I can't pay it.

Well, I mean, I just -- Not all in one go.

You could go to prison, you know.

Look, I'm sure there's a benevolent streak somewhere in an attractive woman like you.

Will you consider giving me time to pay?

-How much had you in mind?

-About a decade.

-How about a month?

-How about six?

Make it two and you've got a deal.

You don't have a pearl-handled revolver in there somewhere, do you?

Oh, I'm sure you'll manage, Mr. Lovejoy.

You strike me as being one of life's natural survivors.

Do I?

We'll be monitoring your progress, Mr. Lovejoy.

Oh, I'll bet you will.

You got any rat poison, Woody?

I've put it in already.

One of the joys of buying rare and beautiful things is coming to a sale like this.

Most of the punters here are farmers who are here to bid each other sky-high over a roll of tangled chicken wire, a dozen bald tires, and an old Cortina, non-runner of course.

What they don't know is that beneath this pile of crap is something so valuable that if they bought it, they wouldn't have to look at a cow's udder for 12 months.

But they won't buy it because they neither have the knowledge nor the skill.

But I have, and I will.

Tink?

Tink?

What -- -What are you doing?

-TINKER: Oh, hello, Lovejoy.

I didn't think you were going to make it.

Well, why did you drag me down here?

I mean, this really is a load of crap.

TINKER: Well, you're wrong there, Lovejoy.

As President Reagan would say, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Well, where is it?

All in good time, Lovejoy.

All in good time.

So, who was this Catesby, then?

Oh, he was a local scrap merchant.

A terrible farmer.

Let this whole place go to ruin when his son went inside.

-What did he go inside for?

-I don't know.

I think he got four years for grievous bodily harm and burglary.

Something like that.

-What about that, then?

-What about it?

18th century, all oak, Welsh dresser.

-Half missing.

-No, it's not.

I gathered up all the pieces this morning with my own bare hands.

What about all this chicken shit?

-It burns the wood, you know.

-Not this, though.

That's 300 years old, if it's a day.

It's hard as bell metal, is that.

Any worm?

No nothing that a cupful of Polyfilla and a gob of beeswax wouldn't cure.

I saw one of these knocked down last month for 1,500 quid and that was to the trade.

-What's Gimbert's estimate?

-He'd be happy with five.

Any competition?

No, just a bunch of scrap merchants and pig farmers.

They couldn't tell a Welsh dresser from a Welsh rabbit.

Hey, there is a Frenchman, though.

Vole or... Vial?

Vial.

Ready money merchant, wholesaler.

Reckons he divides his time between London and Dijon.

LOVEJOY: Surprised there's no watermark.

No, but he wants to view this, through.

LOVEJOY: What did you tell him?

I told him it was buried under a bale of hay, and I'd root it out for him.

I mentioned that it was good for nothing but firewood, but he said he'd probably bid for it anyway sight unseen.

Well, it might not be a bad idea just to show him it anyway.

That's not fair, Lovejoy.

You're going to get us into trouble.

I stopped being fair the day I started selling this stuff.

Lay that down and cover it over with stuff, eh?

There'll be a little something in this for you, Tinker.

It usually is a little something.

Ah, just the man I want to see.

Hello, Charlie.

Still auctioning rubbish, I see.

And I gather you're still selling it.

Now, look, you still owe me £400 for that longcase clock.

-It's been over a month now.

-My, my.

How time flies.

-Re-present the check.

-I did.

It's been returned twice already.

Now, you know the reason I haven't shifted that clock is because it has no insides.

As if you didn't know.

Caveat emptor, Lovejoy.

Caveat emptor.

Now, look, I'm going to be totally open and honest with you.

[ Laughs ] Oh, I mean, if you say so, Charlie.

I'm thinking of serving you with a writ for the money.

Come to think of it, you should get it within the week.

Oh, well, I might not be there then.

You mean you're actually leaving?

Well, not exactly.

I was hoping that you'd re-house me, that is until the local health inspector declares our drains free of blockage and contamination.

What do you mean, contamination?

Ah, you see, that just shows you how long since you've been there sniffing around, doesn't it?

I mean, it's not exactly a pleasant accompaniment to my organically grown mangetouts.

It stinks.

Doesn't it, Eric?

I mean, really stinks.

Yeah, something stinks all right.

Vial.

Mr. Gimbert.

Telephone call in the house, Mr. Gimbert.

I'll be out there, Lovejoy.

I'll be out there.

[ Laughs ] The minute that dresser goes down, I want you and Tinker to strap it on the roof rack.

I want you behind the wheel and the engine running.

Okay?

[ Laughs ] ERIC: If you say so.

What's the matter with you?

My dad pays you good money to teach me about antiques.

I'm teaching you, aren't I?

What's a getaway driver got to do with antiques all of a sudden?

On your bike.

You bidding for the dresser?

You call that saloperie a dresser?

I thought you French would have gone for that in a big way.

Oh, Lovejoy, if I took that piece of junk back to France, they would arrest me for aesthetic pollution.

You're not interested?

[ Scoffs ] You are joking.

Oh, I thought I might go to a £150 on it.

I know a very weird collector who's got a house full of that stuff.

You are welcome to it.

Well, thank you.

Just for that, I won't bid for the sampler.

Oh, that's big of you.

AUCTIONEER: Lot 110.

A Welsh dresser.

18th century.

Solid seasoned oak.

A spectacular piece.

Who'll start me at £100?

£100 for a start anywhere.

£100 I'm bid.

Who'll make it £110?

I'm looking for £110.

£110 I'm bid.

Who'll make it £120?

£120 I'm looking for.

With you, madam.

At £120.

Bid's with you at £120.

I'm looking for £150.

Who'll give me £150?

Come on, gentlemen.

Cheap at the price.

£150 I'm bid.

£150 I'm bid.

Who'll give me £200?

Who'll give me £200?

Who'll give me £200?

£200.

£200 I'm bid.

It's with you, madam, at £200.

Who'll give me £250?

£250 anywhere?

£250.

£250 I'm bid.

£250 I'm bid.

Who'll give me £300?

Who'll make it £300?

I'm looking for £300, ladies and gentlemen, I'm looking for £300.

£300.

This fine Welsh dresser for £300.

Don't lose it, madam.

Don't lose it for another £50.

£300 I'm bid.

£300 I'm bid.

Who'll make it £350?

I'm looking for £350.

Come on, gentlemen.

I'm looking for £350.

£350 anywhere?

Who'll give me £350?

£350 I'm bid.

£350 I'm bid.

Who'll make it £400?

Any more?

£400 anywhere?

[ Muttering in French ] I don't think you should go any higher than that, honey.

AUCTIONEER: Who'll give me £400?

Who'll give me £400?

£400 anyone?

At £350.

Lovejoy.

You ringed that, Lovejoy.

You and that Frenchman have ringed it.

It should have gone for £500 at the very least.

I've a bloody good mind to put it back in.

Now, just a moment.

Just a moment.

M. Vial.

Monsieur, un moment s'il vous plaît.

Mr. Gimbert here is accusing you and me of ringing the auction.

What do you say to that?

VIAL: Moi?

For your so-called Welsh dresser, monsieur, you and your company should be prosecuted under the Trades Description Act.

The man who writes your catalogues does not even know where Wales is.

Quel con!

Another thing, Monsieur.

Take me off your Christmas card list.

Bande de ploucs.

[ Muttering in French ] [ Horn honking ] Merde.

La vache.

Watch yourself, Catesby.

Aah!

[ Banging ] Are you Gimbert?

I beg your pardon?

I said, "Are you Gimbert?"!

I'll call you back, dear.

Yes, that's me.

Why?

My name's Catesby.

You've just sold all my dad's stuff, haven't you?

Oh, you're the one who was in... Got it in one.

Good behavior.

[ Laughs ] Good behavior.

Now, about the sale... Look, why don't you take a seat?

Make yourself comfortable.

Now, as I was saying about the sale.

Oh, there's nothing left, Mr. Catesby.

Our instructions were quite clear.

The entire residue had to be handed over to the Inland Revenue, less commission and expenses, of course.

Yeah, I know all about that.

That's not what I'm here for.

Then what are you here for?

I'm here for the dresser.

Dresser?

What dresser?

The Welsh dresser!

It were in the hay shed!

It's not there now!

In that case, it must have been sold.

Then you had better unsell it, hadn't you?

Mr. Catesby, with the best will in the world, I can't retrieve something which has been sold at auction.

The sale constitutes a legally binding contract, and even if I could, the owner may not... CATESBY: While I was in the pokey, my solicitor wrote you a letter telling you not to put the dresser in the sale 'cause it were mine.

It never belonged to my dad.

It was left to me by my gran, it was.

Mine to keep and to give to my kids!

Well, I can't ever remember receiving such a letter.

Well, why don't you check your records, then?

Yes.

Yes, why don't I do just that?

I'm sure there's a perfectly simple explanation, Mr. Catesby.

You all right, Mr. Gimbert?

Do you want me to call someone?

No, it's all right, Fred.

It's all right.

Ah.

Oh.

I see.

Yes.

Were I right, or were I right?

Yes, yes, you were right, Mr. Catesby.

I'm afraid you were right.

Ah, yes, the dresser was sold to a Mr. Lovejoy for £350.

Now, what I suggest, Mr. Catesby, is I make you out a check for the dresser at sale price, plus another £50 on top.

No!

That's not good enough.

I want it.

I want it delivered to the dell by 1:00 tomorrow.

You see, Mr. Gimbert, my great-grandfather's great-grandfather took part in the Gunpowder Plot.

Oh.

And we Catesbys have a thing about keeping tradition alive, if you get my meaning?

I think you've made your point, Mr. Catesby.

I think you've made your point.

LOVEJOY: Hello, Malcolm?

Yes, it's Lovejoy.

Fine, thank you.

Listen, you still into Welsh dressers?

Yeah, well, I've got a lovely one.

Yeah, it's got a lovely look to it, this one.

18th century.

Four-door.

What am I looking for?

Well, I thought about £2,500.

Don't force it, you pillock!

You might scratch the wood.

There's something stopping it.

It's just one of my laborers about to ruin something.

No, I can't let it go for less than £2,000.

And I'm giving it away at that.

I tell you what, you come down, have a look at it, and bring your checkbook.

Have you marked it?

I haven't touched it.

It feels like some chain or something.

[ Bang ] There.

All that's needed is a little subtly at times.

Lovejoy.

What?

Lovejoy.

What is it?

Oh, that's amazing, Eric.

It's real bloody gold.

What is it?

It's an Arab wedding headdress.

What's it worth?

I don't know what it's worth.

Well, is it valuable?

Is the Pope Polish?

Get the book.

Which book?

Freedburg's "Gold Coins of the World."

Look under Italy, Venice.

Ludov Manin Dux.

These are Zecchini, Eric.

I thought that was spaghetti.

Venetian two ducat pieces.

Louis Manin, Doge of Venice.

1789-1797.

Two ducat pieces.

$2,250.

And there's 12 of them.

At $2,250, that's $27,000.

We've cracked it, Eric!

We've cracked it!

We've actually cracked it!

[ Vehicle approaching ] It's Gimbert.

Act normal.

I am acting normal.

Hard at it, eh?

Oh, yes, just trying to earn an honest crust, you know.

What brings you here?

Oh, the drains.

Brought your sniffer dogs, have you?

I'm here under a flag of truce, as a matter of fact, Lovejoy.

Ha, bloody ha.

Oh, look, I'll come straight to the point.

A terrible mistake has been made, and I'll be the first to admit it.

Yes, well, £400 for a clock with half its insides missing is a bit much, I'll grant you that.

Not the clock.

The dresser.

What about it?

I want a favor from you.

What?

I'd like to buy it back.

Can't.

-Why not?

-Sold.

CHARLIE: What do you mean it's sold?

It's still here.

It was a telephone deal.

Vendido, vendu.

That's it, I'm afraid.

Look, Lovejoy, I'll give you the auction price, plus another £50 on top.

Now, how about that?

£400?

You must be joking.

I sold it for a grand.

A grand?

Look, the thing is, it shouldn't have appeared in the sale in the first place.

Look, all right, all right.

Cock-up on our part.

Call it what you will.

You have to buy it back at any price.

That's the general idea, but I've no intention of crawling for it, if that's what you think.

Tell you what.

This may generate a pint or two of bad blood amongst the brotherhood, but let's go for it, eh?

Let's call the dresser £400.

That's exactly what I had in mind.

I haven't finished yet.

-A little VAT perhaps?

-No VAT.

I still owe you £400 for the clock, right?

That's right.

That's around £800 in all.

Mm-hmm.

You give me £400, and you can take the dresser with you.

That's 800 quid.

That's robbery with violence, Lovejoy.

Take it or leave it.

One of these days, Lovejoy.

LOVEJOY: No, no, don't open your eyes.

-What are you doing?

-Don't -- Don't.

Take your hands away.

All right, now open them.

Oh, Lovejoy, it's beautiful.

I knew it would suit you.

What is it?

It's an Arab wedding headdress.

It's a part of the dowry.

These pieces at the front, these are all solid gold.

Oh, gosh.

I bet Alexander never gave you one of those when he waltzed you down the aisle, did he?

Where on earth did you get it from?

It isn't stolen, is it?

Do we have to bring mistrust and suspicion into this?

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that.

What I meant was... LOVEJOY: I know what you meant.

Is it yours?

Well, legally speaking, that's a bit of a gray area.

But let's just say yes.

Shall we?

You are going to sell it?

Of course I'm going to sell it.

That's why I'm going to London.

That's where you come in.

Oh, I do, do I?

Yes, I thought that I'd take you away from all this toil and drudgery for a few days and... And what?

Well, I thought we'd start with a little romantic music, and then a few candlelit suppers and then do whatever it is that grown-up men and women do when they're together.

We've been through all this before.

I can't come.

You know that.

What's the point of being married to a man who's never here?

What does he do, apart from keep you in cashmere sweaters and hand-made shoes?

I don't think that's any concern of yours.

I know, but diplomacy was never my strong suit, Jane.

You will never know what you've missed, and you only get one crack at the title.

I'm sure you'll tell me all about it when you get back.

I'm sure I will.

Where do you want it?

Right here!

Sign here, please.

Aah!

Right, boys.

I think it's time we left.

[ Jazz music playing ] Permission to come aboard, sir.

[ Bell rings ] [ Speaks French ] What do you want?

Some of that Pusser's Rum, Cap.

-No.

-Yes.

I hope you have come to apologize.

Good God, Vial.

I'm surprised you don't sink.

VIAL: Let me worry about that.

What about the bloody dresser?

LOVEJOY: What about -- The dresser.

Well, you were well out of that, monsieur.

It was a repro.

Yes, a repro, but you switched it, Lovejoy.

You switched it, and that's not cricket.

The only similarity between cricket and this game is that they are both played with a hard ball.

Now, how much do you want for this?

Not for sale.

And don't wave it around.

It might still be loaded.

After 200 years?

Pourquoi pas?

[ Rattling ] The way you treat your stock, Vial.

Best stuff goes to France.

There is nothing left here over 10 quid.

The poor man's prix unique, you might say.

You want a coffee?

No.

Makes me nervous.

[ Whistles ] Ah!

Oh!

It's beautiful.

It's not stolen, is it?

What do you take me for?

What do you want to do with it?

What do I want to do with it?

I want to offload it.

That's what I want to do with it.

I'm not into gold.

You want to ask the Frummers.

Who?

The Frummers.

The Jewish men.

They are always going round the market buying up scrap gold and silver.

That's not scrap.

It's antique.

I can see that.

I tell you what, you do my stall with me tomorrow and just wait until they show up.

[ Laughs ] [ Yiddish accent ] Did you hear what happened to the girl who fell asleep on the synagogue steps?

Oh.

[ Clears throat ] I thought you were Vial.

What's the punch line?

She woke up under a heavy dew.

[ Both laugh ] Are you by any chance the Frumrner?

Oy vey.

"Am I the Frummer?"

he asks me.

Who did you think I was?

Pancho Villa?

You never know these days.

You got any scrap?

Anything that you want to melt?

My, my!

Is it kosher?

-Arab, actually.

-No matter.

No matter.

I want you to price it for me.

No sooner said than done, Mister... Lovejoy.

My name is Frobel, by the way.

Shall we retire to the office?

Frobel, how are you?

Azoy, Vial.

Azoy.

Two minutes.

Two minutes.

You do know what it is, don't you?

Well, it's certainly not latkes or heimische pickle, that's for sure.

Where did you get it?

It fell out of the sky.

The only thing that falls out of the sky in this country, Mr. Lovejoy, is bird shit.

Yes, just hold it there, will you?

Ah.

Well, it does say Ludov Manin Dux.

Hmm?

I mean, they are two ducat pieces.

Ducat, schmuckat.

No value.

They got holes in them.

What -- How am I supposed to weigh it?

Oh.

Hold that, will you?

Now hold this.

10.5 grams exactly.

Times... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 is a 126 grams at £8 a gram.

£1,008 exactly.

Scrap value.

What do you mean, scrap value?

I'm giving you £8 a gram.

Fine gold fix is worth only £8.50.

I'm only making 5%.

May only end up with 2%.

Take it or leave it.

That's the best I can do.

We're talking antiques, not scrap.

Then knock it out to a punter.

Take a good look at it.

It's a collector's dream.

I mean, the coins alone must be worth at least a grand.

Then be charitable.

Give some to Oxfam.

Either that or put it in for the melt.

You don't want a deal?

Not at that price.

Look, I'll tell you what I'll do.

As a special favor to a friend of Vial's, I'll run it for you.

Oh, you'll run it for me.

Yes, I'll run it for you.

I'll take it round to a few people I know in the trade.

You let me have it for a couple of days.

I'll see what I can do.

Oh, as in, you go ahead with the frankincense and myrrh and I'll follow on with the gold?

I did not come up on the down train.

All right already.

Where are you staying?

With Vial.

So you don't do anything with it for a couple of days and I'll see what I can do, all right?

I will be.

Already.

[ Music blaring ] Yeah?

I'm looking for Mr. Lovejoy!

Not here!

[ Music stops ] Why don't you come in?

Are you sure he's not here?

Who are you?

A dealer?

No, I'm from the Inland Revenue.

Then he's definitely not here.

Do you work for him?

In a manner of speaking, no.

Then what are you doing here?

Just a bit of caretaking.

With a Havana cigar?

Look, are you sure he's not here?

ERIC: He's not here.

He's gone away.

No forwarding address?

Well, I can't read, see, and my memory's terrible.

Where's Lovejoy?!

Houseboat Redoutable, Old Ferry Wharf, Cheyne Walk, London, South West 10.

Right.

Got that.

Strange how a lethal weapon has a way of lubricating the brain, isn't it?

ERIC: Tinker!

Oi!

Come on!

Tinker!

What's the matter?

Have they dropped the bomb, or something?

ERIC: I'll drop your bomb.

Where have you been all bloody day?

I'm trying to get Vial's number.

-Have you got it?

-What?

Vial's number.

Have you got it?

Who's Vial?

That French geezer who was at the sale.

He gave you his business card, didn't he?

What do you want his number for?

'Cause I've got a feeling Lovejoy's about to lose his head.

VIAL: A call for you.

A call.

Hello?

Oh, Tink.

Eric says there's an axman on the loose, and he made Eric give him your address.

What do you mean there's a taxman on the loose?

Have you been on the sauce again?

He's after you, Lovejoy.

Is that what you called to tell me?

Well, I appreciate your concern, but -- Lovejoy, you don't understand.

This is serious!

Go back to bed, Tink.

Sleep it off.

What was that about?

Something about the taxman cometh.

Like Papa Noel.

Once a year.

What are you looking for?

Oh, I was looking to see £1,500 at least.

I might think about £1,450.

Would you?

It's not quite as crisp as I thought.

Just a moment.

Are you talking in hundreds or thousands?

You don't think I'd give you 15 grand for this, do you?

Please don't waste my time.

This is a rare antique.

The gold coins alone are worth £2,000 each.

These little danglers are two ducat pieces, not Maundy money.

Well, put it to the melt, then.

MAN: This sort of thing was traded extensively all over the Middle East, although, you know, this coin is not the commonest in the world.

Freedburg prices them at approximately £2,000 each.

Always was prone to a little exaggeration was Mr. Freedburg.

Oh.

What's the best you can do?

The best I can do?

Well, bearing in mind that they're holed and they could well be copies, a hundred each would be my limit.

And that still leaves you quite a bit of scrap.

A hundred?

You said a hundred?

Look at it.

Just look at it.

This is a unique example of antique Arab jewelry.

What's the matter with you people?

Do you always put bullion before beauty?

The only words I've heard since I've come here are Frummer, scrap, melt.

Then I should advertise it in the "Exchange and Mart," Mr. Lovejoy.

[ Music playing ] Looks like somebody's nicked a Victorian stocking darner.

Yeah, I've had a bad day, too.

On top of that, I've got to see Frobel in an hour.

[ Bell rings ] I'll get it.

Oh, no.

Beam me up, Scotty.

What are you doing here?

Collecting contributions.

I gave already.

The Inland Revenue says not.

If you saw a ghost, you'd ask him if he'd paid Death Duty.

I hate to go away empty-handed.

Well, so do I, Miss Taylor.

So do I.

What's the deal?

FROBEL: The deal is that this man will only do business with me.

He wants to remain anonymous, if you get my meaning.

LOVEJOY: How come?

FROBEL: How should I know?

Perhaps he's a Virgo.

Ah, there he is.

LOVEJOY: Just one thing, Frobel.

You pull any kind of stunt, you pull anything, I'll tear your face off.

What happened to that little thing called trust?

Don't insult my intelligence.

No tricks, eh?

I should be so lucky.

As you see, my hands never left my arms.

What's the deal, and why the pictures?

He needs something to show to his people.

He wants to discuss it with them.

With whom?

Like I say, with his people.

We may be talking big money here, Lovejoy.

Big money.

How big?

Oh, £4,000, £5,000.

Peanuts.

Leave it to me, eh?

This is the best deal you'll ever get.

And another thing, don't carry it around with you no more.

Leave it at home.

You get mugged, my percentage gets stroffed.

Verstanden?

-Hey, mon pinot noir!

-Vial.

What is this?

This is a mature... of Pont-L'évêque, my friend.

Do you have any real food?

Like what?

Well, you live on a boat, but you don't even have any fish fingers.

VIAL: You know something, Lovejoy, sometimes I think that the English are constitutionally incapable of eating well.

Just incapable of cooking.

Well, I'm not, and right now, I feel like gigot et flageolets with garlic and thyme.

You pay, I cook.

How about that?

You're on.

[ Whistling ] I am going to sprinkle it with this fantastic thyme I found in the mountains behind Grasse.

Incredible smell.

A little mint perhaps?

Much better than the stuff you buy in a packet.

You can have some if you want.

But just a little, of course.

No mint.

Oh, you're a real English, Lovejoy.

This is far too dry.

I am going to change it.

You know, I had a fantastic gigot et côte in Deauville once.

The sheep eat the grass on the beach, which means that you never have to put salt on the meat.

How about that?

Maybe they should get them to eat garlic, too.

And then train them to jump straight into the oven.

Merde!

J'ai été cambriolé.

What the hell are you doing?

You're not going to go in there... And let them get away with it?

Let me phone the police.

Mon Dieu!

Shh!

Just make sure they spell my name right in the papers.

Psst!

Putain, you've killed him.

And with a leg of lamb.

Come on.

Oh, oh.

[ British accent ] What did you do with me, Lovejoy?

Half a brick or something?

Two and a half pounds of best New Zealand.

You're lucky it wasn't pork.

You've caved my brains in, you w-w-wally.

What happened to this "Yiddishe Momme" accent all of a sudden and the fancy dress, huh?

Leave it out, Lovejoy.

Leave it out.

Will you explain yourself?

Any extenuating circumstances before M. Vial phones the fuzz?

Phones the fuzz?

Who are you trying to kid?

You get the Bill down here, they'll do you for receiving.

Receiving what?

I'm surprised that headdress hasn't burned its way through the floorboards by now, it's so hot.

So hot, in fact, that it's got to be worth six months of anybody's time.

You were just playing fireman, were you?

That's the truth, Lovejoy.

That headdress, that Arab trinket is nicked from the aristocracy.

Heavy duty aristocracy who don't even like losing a golf ball.

Truth?

You wouldn't know the truth if it sat up and bit you in the ass.

Ow!

Look, no hard feelings, sunshine, but either you stick with me for the reward money or you cross yourself off the electoral rolls for six months.

Reward?

Did you say "reward"?

Reward?

Did I say "reward"?

Must have been the bang on the head you gave me.

CATESBY: Lovejoy!

Who the hell is that?

You'd better go and find out.

Me?

Yes, you.

Who is it?

It's a monster with an ax.

Shh!

Don't.

...putain téléphone!

Do you have a gun?

A gun?

I am Vial of Dijon, not Krupp of Germany.

Well, a cosh or a carving knife, a sword, a saber.

VIAL: I don't know.

[ Muffled shouting ] [ Wood clattering ] Where's Lovejoy?!

Which one of you bastards is Lovejoy?!

Where is it?

Where's my stuff, you snake?

What have you done with my gear?

Just a moment.

Just a moment.

A second, please.

You come in here, barge your way in uninvited, smash the place about, waving this thing around.

Who are you anyway?

What do you mean, who am I?!

I'm Catesby, that's who I am.

Catesby.

I never heard them mention a Catesby.

Did you?

I thought it was gonna be a black guy called Ezra.

I thought it was supposed to be Ezra.

You... You must be the replacement.

-Replacement for what?

-Hit man.

You know, the one that's going to off Lovejoy.

Cash his check.

But you can't do it with that.

I mean, it's a bit amateur night out, isn't it?

I'm not going to off anybody.

All I want is my gear and I'm going.

Ah, well, in that case, you've invited yourself to the wrong party, hasn't he, M. Vial?

He certainly has.

I'm sorry, but if anyone's going to zap Lovejoy, it's going to be us.

Now, you know what this is, don't you?

Looks like a bath tap.

Well, you'd be wrong there.

It's an 18th century muff pistol.

A what?

Muff pistol.

That's what I thought you said.

One shot can blow your head off.

In your case, I'm not quite so sure.

Oh, really?

Yeah, really.

And if you don't haul ass, I'm going to pull the trigger, punk.

What are you waiting for then?

I'm going to count to three.

I'll count with you if you like.

All right.

One... two... two and a half... You asked for it.

Holy shit!

Well, that's some bath tap, isn't it, Frobel?

If you ever do that to me again, Lovejoy, I'll... You'll what?

-I'll die!

I'll die!

-CATESBY: Aah!

[ Thud, splash ] [ Laughs ] Bien fait, mon brave.

Now we eat, d'accord?

Alliez à la table.

There is one thing I don't understand.

If your name is Bird, not Frobel, and you're not Jewish... Shh!

Why do you wear these clothes?

[ Yiddish accent ] Respect for uniforms.

So they know what they're dealing with.

Have you ever seen an airline pilot wearing a fur coat?

Can't say I have.

But you're an Anglican.

What?

Doesn't it go a little against the grain?

Grain, schmain.

Gentlemen?

His lordship will see you now.

LOVEJOY: [ Vocalizing ] ♪ Whoa, ho ♪ ♪ He's a half a boy and he's a half a man ♪ [ Vocalizing ] [ Horn honking ] Oh, shit.

[ Horn honking ] I know.

I know.

In the small-world department, try this on for size.

I mean, what is it?

You fancy me or something?

I'd like to be one of the first to congratulate you on your good fortune, Mr. Lovejoy.

What good fortune?

The page three story about the local antique dealer claiming that large reward.

Anything left of the £12,000?

They're working clothes, Miss Taylor, merely working clothes.

You have the receipts, I take it?

Do you think we could discuss this over lunch?

Just you and I?

Oh, I think that's possible.

Bearing in mind that whatever refreshment we may partake of will be non-tax-deductible, Mr. Lovejoy.

Of course.

Come on.

I know a nice little place that serves limpet.